What Stage?
What Happened?
My science presentation was something that I didn’t particularly enjoy. It was the culmination of two weeks of built-up stress, delayed flights, and anxiety. It ended up being an okay presentation, my classmates told me they liked it, and my roommates, to whom I presented it, also said they thought I did well. I think internally, a lot of the feelings of happiness I felt were because I had completed it and gotten it done with, not because I did great. After my first presentation, I wanted to do very well, and the effort that I was putting forward ended up being stretched and distorted by the pressure I put on myself into a distorted, over-prepared, under-thought, mediocre display of mediocrity. Overall, not the best work, but something that I think needed to happen.
What did I observe?
Over the course of the preparation and presentation, I did not really observe much. I think this was one of the downfalls that led to my dissatisfaction with my presentation(s). I did not talk to any of my classmates about what they were doing or what their presentations looked like, and in preparation for my redo presentation, I did not look at other people’s handouts or talk to my classmates about what went well and what they wished they could do again. Plainly put, I did not observe much, but was given ample opportunities to do so, which is on me, but this is why I think it is important for me to reflect on this experience. If I just chalked this up to me being dumb or the marking being unfair, I won’t have gained much, and I think that by doing this, I am going to get more out of this experience if I had gotten an A on this project.
How did I react?
After my first presentation, I reacted poorly. I was embarrassed and felt that I had let myself down. In past schooling experiences, specifically before I joined EKTEP, I think I wouldn’t have cared that I had done poorly, but underperforming in something that I actually cared about in a profession that I love and enjoy felt like a gut punch. I was ashamed of what I did and felt like throwing up after, a feeling that I had never felt before in regard to schooling. In the redo presentation, I don’t know if my feelings were authentic. I think a lot of the happiness I got was due to the relief that I didn’t have to think about doing this freaking presentation anymore. I think I did a better job, and initially, I was happy, but upon receiving my mark, I was sorta unbothered. At the point of writing this and when I presented, I am in a very important phase of my volleyball season, and I think a lot of my energy, whether that be good or bad, is being put towards this. So, after finishing and getting my mark, my mind was quickly filled with the stress of volleyball, filling the seams of where disappointment was supposed to be. It was only after my meeting with Judi about my school slump that a lot of the feelings flooded, bursting through the walls of attention that volleyball holds in my mind, filling my mind and body with an overwhelming amount of stress, shame, and anxiety about my future. Overall, the way I reacted was sort of the beginning of the end for me; my response to disappointment and stress is not where I need it to be if I want to succeed in this profession, and there is a lot to grow from in this area.
What was most surprising?
I think this is a fairly straightforward answer for me. With the amount of effort and mental energy I put towards this, you’d think I would have gotten a better mark. As previously mentioned, a lot of that energy wasn’t going into the right place, and hindsight is 20/20, but at face value, that took me by surprise.
So What?
What were the positives of the event?
I think the positive aspects of this occurrence are very mindset-dependent. It is quite easy to take away nothing, and not internally to reflect and, conversely, externally deflect. Because I am forcing myself to sit down and use a model of thinking, I am definitely taking away a lot of areas that need growth, such as intentionality, backwards thinking, and accountability. I also think there were portions of my experiment that were positive; my second experiment was great, and I thought it did a good job of explaining the transfer of energy. Overall, I don’t think everything about this presentation was a failure, even though at times it feels this way, and because of my mindset going forward, I am going to grow from this.
What were the negatives of the event?
A large negative aspect of this event was the buildup and tension caused by the presentation. Performance anxiety is not something that I deal with; it’s never been an issue in the past, and feeling it for the first time was a lot of adversity for me. A lot of that anxiety and tension ended up spilling over and affecting another presentation for my 330 class. I think going forward, there is going to be a little bit of a nagging thought in the back of my mind telling me, “What if it goes like last time, what if you fail? You’re going to be a terrible teacher,” and I think it is going to take some times to get through this.
Now What?
What was the impact of the event on you?
Well, I feel like I have talked a lot about how this has impacted me, what this has made me feel and all that good teacher reflection that will make me a great educator. What I think has been impacting me as I move past this internal reflection and into the now is my plan going forward. If I were to do all this reflection, have an excellent grasp of my feelings, and not have any path to moving forward, it would be useless. That’s why I have put forth a plan to succeed in my upcoming projects. Step one: Think backwards. As discussed, I put some great effort into my presentation, but I did not read the criteria effectively or think with the end in mind. Going forward, all my assignments will be made in better alignment with the criteria, as well as thinking of the end in mind. Step two: Getting feedback. Going forward and learning from my mistakes from this experience, I am going to get some feedback before I hand something in from my classmates as well as my professors. This was a major shortcoming in my presentation, and I do not plan on doing this again. As I continue to grow and learn, I will be getting feedback before my final mark to make sure I am going down the right road and not missing the target like I have in my presentation. As of now, I do not have a step three; I think only having two steps is great, but it doesn’t flow well off the tongue, so if you are reading this and have any constructive criticism and ideas, please let me know. Overall, I think there has been a lot of learning, growing and reflecting, but to make this worthwhile, it is the steps I take afterward that make this growth meaningful.
Closing thoughts
Looking at the other “now what” questions, I find they feel like a lot of fluff and unnecessary typing for answers I have already given. I think with all the answers I have shared, I know what I am going to do moving forward, I know what I am going to do in similar situations, and I feel like I have grown a lot from this moment. I have not experienced adversity like this in my schooling so far, and this has been a great opportunity for growth and learning. And I hope this experience continues to teach me more than any A+ I received.
